#CAN I LEARN THINGS AND ALSO HAVE A JOB AT THE SAME TIME
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saw the tags on your rb, and as a fellow "connor bedard has autism" headcanoner, i would love to know more of your thoughts 😈
it's less of a headcanon and more of a divinely correct vibe check. but like am i wrong...???? although I do see it more as they're the same flavour of ND with different presentations, like Connor is hyperfocus ADHD, and Macklin is inattentive (this comes from someone with mixed presentation ADHD¹, they also tried to diagnose me with austim but my legs were too long i make eye contact BUT!!! 93rd% "indicating that Cassie has many behavioural characteristics similar to youth diagnosed with ASD." raaaaa 💪💪💪 93% is an A!! i ace even the tests i fail!!!) Plus his rigidity with his diet, is bonkers for someone that young (and it's been going on since he was like 14-15)
Like especially with the way that Connor's constant practicing, after practice until the zamboni kicks him off, and then on off days and optional skates hiding his gear to make him take days off?? that is pretty classic hyperfocus ADHD. And especially with the way he blames the teams loses on himself, like please sir seeing you in the mirror is not good for my health!!
And with Macklin, people often mischaracterize inattentive ADHD with not being motivated or good at routine and while yes those two things are a normal part of human life, and more-so with ADHD, he has shown many times how deeply he cares about hockey........ but I think (and also remember i am projecting) his father being THAT hands on with him and his brothers training (even now which yuck, you have your own job get your grubby paws off of your kid's job) has made him unable to self propel, and get himself into that routine? (AND AGAIN I AM PROJECTING) like something Macklin has said a few times is how the shift to a pro-hockey schedule has been hard, and yes it is an adjustment, but he has been essentially living away from his parents for YEARS, two years boarding at Shattuckk, one year (presumably) billeting in Chicago while playing in the USHL, and one year in college at BU, and I think the real shift is that... daddy is planning his workouts again, full time not just summers (also, the travaling doesn't help) AND THAT (i am projecting) is HELL to someone who built a routine, and any hope of getting back into one was dashed when he went of IR for his hip after one game. the boy needs CONSISTENCY!!!!! And until they get him 1) away from his freak father who has his hands al over his development plan, and 2) on simple routine with max five types of days (home game, home practice, home rest, away game, away rest) he will not get situated.
BACK TO BEDARD <33333
the man loves rules and procedures. him at his first training camp all doe eyed and "wanting to make the team!" so much that Kyle Davidson... maybe it was Luke Richardson who said it...??? either way his coach or his GM pulled aside his MOTHER to tell them that they needed to start looking at apartments. Before getting drafted it was never "when" it was "if i get drafted".... like dude.... it's gonna happen! Whenever he get's sen't to the box its always a "they hate me, don't they know I am unable to break rules!! not because they don't apply to me but because I can NOT break rules!" vibe (I am only kinda projecting on this one)
and I do think the type of media around them during their developmental years up has affected them, Macklin's media was always focused on his father, which reinforced his reliance/dependence on him, whereas Connor's was focused on him which encouraged him to focus on himself and what HE can do to improve.
also Connor has that DOG IN HIM
^ connor bedard real not fake (also my childhood psychologist had this PROMENENTLY displayed in her office and i think seeing it every two weeks had an adverse affect on me)
¹ and a bunch of other learning disorders, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, audio processing disorder, also anxiety, depression, and cutie patootie disease (fatal 😔)
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The Divination Trial
Can I just gush for a minute about how good a metaphorical device for divination that Lilia's trial is? Because it is honestly a masterclass in allegory.
In traditional tarot, the suit of Swords represents the element of Air, which represents knowledge, thought, intelligence, and communication. Like a sword, thought and speech can be used to cut things. They can hurt: a slur or insult. They can attack: a debate, argument, lies. They can defend: evidence, support, truth. They can delineate sides: This is this, that is that. They can identify enemies (a sword pointed at you) or friends (a hilt offered to you): Them, Us. They set boundaries of time: Now, Then.
So the swords dangling above Lilia's trial are both metaphorical and literal looming knowledge. Lilia has the gift of foreknowledge: She knows the future. And that knowledge has, throughout her life, hurt her. The sword was too sharp, and she got cut whenever she tried to use it. So she "put it away," and stopped looking.
With each card placed down in the trial, a piece of knowledge is revealed--and a sword falls. The knowledge is "released" from the future hanging ominously above, and it can now hurt someone.
It is significant that during the trial, two swords almost do hit someone.
Agatha, when she is dealing, releases a sword that almost kills Billy. Knowledge is Agatha's weapon, even more than magic is. She knows the truth about Billy and the Road and has previously been very careful using that truth on him, even as she tries to manipulate the situation to her advantage. But in this scene, she is reckless and impatient--like the basement scene in Wandavision, she thinks she finally has Billy alone in his hex, and she's ready to push boundaries to get a response. She knows that divination is not actually a con--she already saw Lilia do it for real in episode 2. But Billy's imagination has painted her as the Wicked Witch in this trial, so she does what she does best and leans into the performance, trying to push Billy's mind into whatever it's going to do next to the Road.
And what does Agatha's manipulation of knowledge do? It almost kills Billy, with a literal metaphor sword falling straight at him.
The second sword that almost hits someone is Lilia reading for Billy. Now this is interesting, because Lilia has fanned the cards out on the table and is having Billy pick up the cards. As a divination practice, this is not necessary--the diviner can pick out the cards for the querent and still get the same result. By putting the cards on the table and letting someone else handle them, Lilia has metaphorically taken her hands off the knowledge. She hasn't yet learned her lesson, that is is her job and her calling to see these things. Letting someone else pick is "safer" because then she, herself, is not "responsible" for the knowledge that gets revealed; she's just interpreting the card, not picking it. But this is just another reflection of what her Maestra is trying to teach her: Lilia's task is to see, not to control, and by letting Billy pick his own cards, she's still trying to control the outcome by avoiding having a hand in it.
So Billy places down the "The Path Behind" card, and without even seeing what it is, the sword it releases almost kills Lilia. And the irony is--Lilia already knows! She already knows what the path behind Billy is! She saw it at William's bar mitzvah, and now the sigil is broken so she knows again. But because she wants to be hands-off still, the knowledge she already knows almost kills her. It is only her covenmate looking out for her--Agatha, the sharpest sword in the drawer!--that saves Lilia from herself, and needing covens is another truth that Lilia is turning away from.
The lesson is clear: Swords will never not be sharp. Knowing the future will never not hurt. Accepting people into your life in a coven will also never not hurt, especially when you can see their end before you even begin. But if Lilia can't learn to live with the pain of knowing--or accept help from a coven in dealing with it--it will kill her. Even if she refuses to look--with the ceiling descending--the knowledge will still kill her. Her being killed is inevitable. You cannot know the future without knowing endings, including your own. Knowing--not changing--the future is the power. And we see this play out allegorically! As soon as she starts reading for herself, pulling her own cards, accepting this power of knowledge, the swords stop falling individually but the ceiling also starts descending again. So the knowledge is inevitable, but seeing the information doesn't have to hurt if you handle it correctly and have support.
This makes it all the more poignant when the tower is turned upside-down. The knowledge is no longer looming overhead, but is now underfoot, clear and obvious. But that doesn't remove its danger. It only changes how you must deal with it. So Lilia hangs on to the table--the site of her most powerful act of divination--and that brief moment of hanging on is still an act of control. But this time, the knowledge that she will die has empowered her. It no longer scares her. And her job is to see, not to control. So she lets go. She accepts it, lets gravity pull her to the knowledge, and allows the knowledge of death to pierce her, both literally and metaphorically.
This is what divination is. This is what it means to be a Divination Witch.
And this is just a brilliant, brilliant piece of writing that needs to win all the awards.
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Honestly, if I were an exec at this point I would be thinking about how long the show should go on. Maybe give it one more season with a clear indication that there should be satisfying resolutions for everyone.
Bobby finds his niche which lets him retire peacefully, while Athena takes a job at the police academy. Either the fire academy as its like chief, or principal. OR he decides to be the next firechief. Actually if Athena and Bobby both decide to head up the two academies that would be very funny.
Hen is promoted to Captain, or Karen gets an offer for a full-time tenure track position at Cal Poly while Hen gets an offer to head up another firehouse in the same area if she's not captain of the 118. Or Karen gets a full-time job at Cal Tech and Hen stays at the 118 or gets to captain a firehouse a little closer.
Given his years of experience, Chim gets an offer to head up the Firefighter training academy. Maddie and Chim welcome a healthy baby boy named Kevin Daniel Buckley Han. Sue retires, Josh is promoted, and Maddie becomes Josh's right-hand woman. Bonus points if we see that kid that Chim mentored work at dispatch.
Could also make for a couple of scenes of Chim and Athena both ordering cadets around or talking about silly things cadets do.
Eddie Diaz reconciles with his son and agrees that unless he's serious with someone, really serious he will not introduce them to Chris, who makes it clear he doesn't need a mom. Maybe last half of the last season Eddie meets a nice woman also with a kid, younger than Chris, and they agree to go slow. Bonus if this woman is also a widow. they have things in common. But they've both worked through their grief and just trying to figure out how to be happy. They're dating. But not dating. Just getting to know each other and then maybe Eddie is the one who asks, hey maybe we can move forward. They do not meet at a call. They have some kind of meet cute at Karaoke trivia.
Now this one should be obvious. Buck and Tommy get back. together, and really work on each other and on the relationship. Helicopter crash or no copter crashes, we need Buck. But fights for what he wants. Tommy learns to accept love and family and be vulnerable with others. End of the series they get married or at least move in together. Bonus points if they go house hunting together and we have a montage of everyone helping them move in together, or they have the final 118 bbq at Tommy and Buck's house. Buck decides to take a sabbatical from work to his college degree because he realizes he does want to be a fire captain one day.
IDK I'm a sucker for a full-circle ending.
#bucktommy#madney#henren#bathena#hen wilson#evan buckley#bobby nash#howard han#maddie buckley han#tommy kinard#eddie diaz#if you don't ship it that's ok you don't need to interract#911 abc#I'm a sucker for a happy well done ending#911 where's the job application for the writer's room? You literally cannot do any worse at this point
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Oc: Mayhem (transformers)
1. [are they associated with a certain color? what color do they wear the most?]
Like many other Decepticons she had a mainly purple color palette, though after leaving the 'con army she began to veer into more greys, various purples, 'n some yellow as well in her paint jobs (kinda like a Megatronus color palette)
2. [what sort of music would they like? have you thought about what genres or bands do they lean towards? do they have a favorite song?]
Absolutely LOVES rock 'n rap! 'Keep their heads ringin', 'Rollin', 'X gon give it to ya', 'The choice is yours', 'Till I collapse', 'No sleep till Brooklyn'
3. [weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?]
Prefers blasters that she herself makes (being a weapons specialist/engineer) even if they don't always work the best. She's currently workin' on makin' a blaster that can also change into a sword (likely will never work)
4. [how crafty/resourceful are they?]
She is incredibly crafty 'n can make a weapon out of just about anythin', she specifically loves building weapons or items to make missions more fun for her chaotic self.
5. [how do they typically dress? does their wardrobe lean more towards practicality or aesthetics?]
She has spikes naturally formed on her helm but she added ones to her shoulders. She also likes comic stickers, 'n caution tape, as she heard they looked cool in human culture.
6. [how do they wear their hair? do they care a lot how their hair looks?]
No hair, just helm lol
7. [favorite animal? why?]
She likes platypuses.. cause, like- they are mammals but lay eggs? How? HOW???
8. [do they have a nickname? who gave it to them? if it's not derived from their real name, what's the story behind it?]
Bullet (from her brother. Y'can probably guess why she's called Bullet)
9. [favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions?]
She'll literally eat anythin'- even if she ain't supposed to 💀
10. [if they wear jewelry, what kind? do they prefer silver or gold? do they have a favorite gem?]
She likes any yellow stones/crystals as they remind her of her brother's optics
11. [what do they have in common with you?]
Fear of attachment/abandonment as well as love for buildin' things (same fam, same..)
12. [how long have they been around? do you know their birthday? is their birthday the day you made them or another day? what do they think of celebrating birthdays?]
Birthdays aren't really somthin' she's accustomed to celebratin'.. (also, cybertronian age is pretty confusin' so just think of her as a 17 year old in human standards)
13. [what languages do they speak? how fluently?]
Cybertronian, basic alien dialect, can learn any language by goin' through databases as well as mimickin' accents.
14. [are they any good with numbers?]
Ehh.. so/so
15. [how big or small is their family? who did they live with growing up? do they live with anyone now?]
The actual size of her family is yet to be known as she was raised by her brother. Neither of them truly never knew their sire or carrier 'n had been on the move constantly throughout their childhood.
16. [do they have any pets? what do they call their pets?]
She isn't allowed to have pets yet until she learns to be more careful with her large frame 💀 (she's already accidentally crushed multiple things)
17. [how did they spend their summers/free time as a child?]
As a sparklin' / young teen she spent most of her time on buildin' random projects, her first successful build bein' a hoverboard like invention (before she learned how to transform properly)
18. [their opinion on lying, stealing, and killing?]
All can be reasonable dependin' on the situation you're in.
19. [are they quick to anger? what sets them off?]
She's a bit of a hothead 'n can easily be set off when someone mocks her or her inventions.
20. [if applicable, can they drive? if they have their own, what color is their vehicle? is the inside neat and tidy, or a mess?]
She definitely drives like a drag racer 'n not so surprisingly becomes very competitive if she's actually challenged to a race. (Her alt mode is a deep purple custom '69 Ford Mustang Mach 1)
21. [their favorite place to be?]
She likes the mountains, finds the snow to be beautiful 'n peaceful durin' winter.
22. [do they sleep well at night?]
Depends on the night/ how hard she'd worked prior. Sometimes she'll fall into recharge rather quickly, other times she won't or she'll be jolted awake from dreams.
23. [how would you describe their voice? can they sing?]
She loves to project the voice of the singer she's listenin' to through her own vocalizer, pretendin' that she's the one actually singin'. She often switches through accents 'n speaks pretty fast, so it can be a bit hard to understand at times.
24. [do they have any creative hobbies? art, writing, music, etc]
Loves art, engineerin', 'n music.
25. [how good/bad is their hearing? what about their eyesight?]
She has very sharp hearin' 'n pretty good sight, though one time she'd almost lost her optics in a fight.
26. [how do they move? are they clumsy? light on their feet? do they use mobility aids?]
She's far too strong 'n flexible for her own good which only boosts her already huge ego, often gettin' to her head 'n causin' her to do very reckless things durin' battle, sometimes old Decepticon habits come into play 'n she goes overboard.
27. [if applicable, do they have a favorite sport they play any sports or prefer to watch?]
Boxin' 'n racin'. Gets WAY too competitive.
(Might do the last few questions some other time..)
i wanted to make an oc ask game 😋 things i like to ask people abt their characters:
are they associated with a certain color? what color do they wear the most?
what sort of music would they like? have you thought about what genres or bands do they lean towards? do they have a favorite song?
weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?
how crafty/resourceful are they?
how do they typically dress? does their wardrobe lean more towards practicality or aesthetics?
how do they wear their hair? do they care a lot how their hair looks?
favorite animal? why?
do they have a nickname? who gave it to them? if it's not derived from their real name, what's the story behind it?
favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions?
if they wear jewelry, what kind? do they prefer silver or gold? do they have a favorite gem?
what do they have in common with you? how are they different? would you get along with them?
how long have they been around? do you know their birthday? is their birthday the day you made them or another day? what do they think of celebrating birthdays?
what languages do they speak? how fluently?
are they any good with numbers?
how big or small is their family? who did they live with growing up? do they live with anyone now?
do they have any pets? what do they call their pets?
how did they spend their summers/free time as a child?
their opinion on lying, stealing, and killing?
are they quick to anger? what sets them off?
if applicable, can they drive? if they have their own, what color is their vehicle? is the inside neat and tidy, or a mess?
their favorite place to be?
do they sleep well at night?
how would you describe their voice? can they sing?
do they have any creative hobbies? (art, writing, music, etc)
how good/bad is their hearing? what about their eyesight?
how do they move? are they clumsy? light on their feet? do they use mobility aids?
if applicable, do they have a favorite sport? do they play any sports or prefer to watch?
how do they show that they care about someone? how do they express that they don't like someone?
are they associated with any particular element (air, earth, fire, water)?
do they smell like anything notable?
do they like receiving gifts? giving gifts? what is their ideal gift?
do they have any habits that aren't particularly self-destructive, just maybe odd?
if applicable, how would your other characters describe them? i mean specifically the people around them.
how would your character describe themselves? it doesn't have to line up with how they really are.
do they ever return home?
#maysocs#mayhem#long post#oc info#transformers oc#traditional art#transformers g1#transformers#transformers generation one#transformers one#transformers bayverse#autobots#decepticons#wreckers#cybertronians
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Imagine...
Trainee! Curly having a crush on the new cute Chubby Receptionist!
Warnings: Fluff, some hints of spice, Flirting, Some insecurities and Crushing
Minors be gone.
A/N: I am writing headcanons for this but I NEED to write this first because I'm getting way to excited for this :)
Trainee! Curly in the progress of becoming a licensed captain for Pony Express. Pony Express doesn't have the greatest history of hiring people and giving them proper training, but if they did get one thing right that is training the next upcoming captains
Trainee! Curly coming into work ready for another day of working out and tests. When he walks up to the desk to clock in with the receptionist, he sees someone he's never seen before
Trainee! Curly almost being love struck once the receptionist turned to look at him, smiling with their chubby cheeks as they ask him for his name and employee ID. He finds himself stuttering over a few of his words until he coughs in his hand to speak
Trainee! Curly stealing quick glances at the receptionist whenever he and the other captain trainees walk by. You being enthralled in your work to notice how he looks at you
Trainee! Curly coming over during his lunch breaks to start conversating with you. Seeing how your work clothes fit your form perfectly, comfortable and laid back yet professional at the same time. But he can also see how tight some of the areas of work clothes is with your body. Especially where your rolls are more prominent, making him get a bit flustered at the sight
Trainee! Curly asks you about how your day is and how it's going, his British accent prominent. A bright smile on his face with a twinkle in his blue eyes as you exclaim how you're loving the new job
Trainee! Curly continuing to visit the cute chubby receptionist, even bringing some food and snacks he brought for his workout. He isn't too fond of sweets, but he will bring some for you if you would like
Trainee! Curly becoming closer with the chubby receptionist. Complimenting you each and every time he gets the chance to
"you look absolutely wonderful today"
"hey! Hope everythings alright, you seem stressed so I uh- brought you some snacks"
"If you ever need to, I'm here to talk to. Here's my number if you would like"
Trainee! Curly gives you his number so he can get to know you more, albeit a little nervous about the possibility of you rejecting it but he wouldn't be mad if you did
Trainee! Curly sending you good morning texts and talks about your latest interests and hobbies. You also both share recipes through each other. He talks to you about why he wanted to be a captain and also how excited he is to see space
Trainee! Curly learning about the chubby receptionist that they are a bit insecure of their weight and he reassures them, and forbid if someone says something about it to you
"Ain't nothing wrong with having some pudge on ya, you look amazing either way. If they hate it so much then they should look at themselves first before saying something like that to you"
"People who make fun of your weight are insecure themselves, they should know better"
"Don't listen to them, look at you. You're doing incredible with everything you're doing!"
Trainee! Curly being a big positive for his chubby crush, making sure they are getting the food they need if they're lacking on not eating anything. Making it known that he is very much interested in them with the compliments, little gifts, and even hangouts
Trainee! Curly known in his highschool years as the highschool dreamboat and having many relationships during his young years, falling head overheels for the cute chubby receptionist he can't help but find himself thinking of them more and more each day
#onyx writings 🌹#mouthwashing#curly#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#curly x you#curly x reader#curly x chubby reader#x reader
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Just 6-10 weeks and I’ll be able to taste a little freedom again...just gotta hold out until March/April......
#why did I pick one of the few professions that will give me tests and homework for the rest of my life#I hate tests and homework that was one of my least favorite parts of school#I miss drawing I miss reading I miss writing I miss Doing Literally Anything Else But This#(to clarify: I have not actually DONE any This but I have spent plenty of time dreading it)#Cheese's personal molasses#Cheese evaporates about...job??#would LOVE to be able to just. sit down and Focus.#can I truly live my own life independently?#can I respond to emails in a timely fashion and complete my daily notes on time without someone else also sitting down and doing their work?#can I study for an exam without a study buddy?? without the promise of watching my brother play Spider-Man (PS4) after 10 PM????#CAN I LEARN THINGS AND ALSO HAVE A JOB AT THE SAME TIME#asking the real questions here#imagine being able to multitask#I want to cook Real Food but unfortunately I have an email to respond to which is mutually exclusive to that#can only do one of these two things#oh and also studying#I'll need to take a practice test at some point but ughhhhh I don't want to know how far away I am from passing#I also don't know when I'm going to have like...9 free hours to take a single half of a test lmao#ANYWAY ENOUGH DREADING#I'LL AT LEAST FINISH THURSDAY'S OVERDUE NOTES/HOMEWORK AND THEN WHEN I GET HOME FINISH FRIDAY'S#and then...I don't even know there's nothing else I want to do right now except Not This lol
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I loove the android robin au it's really one of the most interesting au I have seen in a while.
I am always happy to see new post abt it
Also making my favourite characters go through hell and then receiving comfort from their people is like the best thing ever for me so every time I see a whump!Robin post I like automatically
People loving android!Robin makes me so happy anansnssndsnsns she's curious and excitable and full of wonder and the world keeps punishing her for simply being alive. Sometimes it's too painful even for me, big whump lover 😭😭 though seriously, there is not enough Robin whump, and while all the characters in the show are very whumpeable, hurting my little blorbo Robin feels special because... she's just so deeply lonely. She's lonely and she thinks she deserves to be because of something wrong with her (pulling this interpretation from Surviving Hawkins lore which is canon to me 😭). That was a big idea I had when I first came up with android!Robin... that there is something wrong with her. Broken. In this AU she's literally broken in a lot of way (battery and memory problems, weak joints in her lower half, etc), but that's all within the range of normal robot problems. The real issue with her is that she's sentient. It terrifies people because it really brings out the existencial horror of... well, existing. It terrifies Robin most of all. She is the problem. She is what's wrong with her. She shouldn't exist.
But at the same time, she loves being alive so much! She doesn't understand it and doesn't know how it happened, but it happened, and now she's real and wants to experience life and the world and know people like human beings do. So it's her constant battle to become human despite humans having hurt her so much in the past... only for Nancy to already see her as human. Just one made of metal and plastic, but human nonetheless. She's the first person to see her that way and maybe everyone else thinks she's crazy, but Nancy is used to that. She's so sure of this, though, of Robin's self-awareness. She trusts her so blindly. She doesn't even need proof. And not only does she believe her, but she defends her humanity in front of her friends and family so ardently, fighting so hard for Robin to be aknowledged by everyone else as human. Fighting so hard to give her a home and family for the first time in her life.
Nancy has it bad for Robin, really. She's just so in love, even if everyone else thinks she's crazy for falling in love with a machine (no one thinks she is, though, because they all know Robin, and once you know Robin, it's impossible not to love her).
#ronance#android!Robin AU#robin buckley#😭😭 every day im emotional about her at 4 am#ok nice things now:#nancy takes her shopping for the first time! because robin never quite developed her own style#and being a girly girl to Nancy clothes are such a big part of your identity#robin finds these cool chains peoole wear as necklaces and bracelets and all these rings and she loves how they all look on her#and this jacket with different patches on it... she never thought she'd be the kind of girl to like shopping but she's so excited#because its the first time she's choosing what clothes to wear#Nancy introduces her to many different kinds of music alongside Steve#and then eventually the whole gang joins them. everyone gets to suggest one artist and soon Robin has this long asf playlist#to listen to so she can figure out what she likes#same with movies - they all now have weekly movie nights so they can show Robin different films#robin slowly discovering her passions... she reads a lot and finds out she loves languages and literature#and she decides she wants to get into college to study something related to it#she also decides she wants to travel through Europe and wants to bring Nancy with her#she decorates her room with movie and music posters#she decides she really likes cyndi lauper#she tries to learn how to dance with youtube tutorials#dragging Nancy into it#she gets to watch a lot of movies at her job at the movie theater#and she makes friends with her coworkers there#she's not fully and truly becoming a person#she has never been this happy#my posts#thank you for your ask i love talking about android!robin
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Guys. I did not know before now that writing could be painfully millennial in a full prose book but the pho*nix ke*per has proven me wrong and I have to complain about it in the tags
#k talks#weird astrix is because I don't want this showing up in the tag just in case#but I NEED To complain about this book real quick. I love a magical zoo that part was fun but good lord the main character....#I get what the author was trying to do with her arc and I will say the second half of the book is better than the first but Jesus christ#I hated the main character at the start she is SO annoying. not to be mean I know the whole point is her overcoming her anxiety#but like. I swear to God every two pages was just oooh I'm so awkward I'm such an introvert I'm such an awkward scrawny turtle!!!!#like CONSTANT. even worse though she's mean about it. for like half the book she's just so incredibly judgy at her public outreach job#she literally works at a zoo and has to learn hmmm... zoos need money??? zoos are also about... educating the public??? WHATT????#also it just felt so weird because she is constantly talking about how pale and skinny and pasty and scrawny and white she is#like constantly. and her best friend is a black trans woman who CONSTANTLY coddles and supports the mc in a very maternal way#and her love interest is latina-coded I'm pretty sure and is much more confident and opinionated and is literally described as fiery once#so like. hm! Okay! interesting! Interesting stereotypes going on tbh!!!#the mc learns some lessons and gets slightly less insufferable but like. also it was SO predictable I always knew what was gonna happen nex#and the writing style... like I said above it is MILLENNIAL and not in a fun way. the word boop is used several times. the humor is awful#the main character has multiple conversations about being so uwu bottom even though there's no sex in this book??? why??#and every single character description is repeated OVER and OVER with the same two details. SO much telling basically no showing#the writing was just so... quirky. ooooh look at me I'm awkward I trip over things I can't do make-up I love sitting on the couch!!!!#like. idk. obviously a lot of people really liked this book and I SHOULD have been one of them. Sapphic romance at a magic zoo....#but the execution was just so incredibly not my thing it actively pissed me off even if I can see what the author was trying to achieve#maybe I just don't like cozy fantasy. man. there was a bit where a guy should've gotten eaten by a kelpie but didn't. so maybe too cozy#for my tastes actually. which is weird I feel like I should enjoy cozy fantasy! especially about animals!!! but maybe this was just a fluke#anyways. to be clear I am not trying to make fun of the MC for having anxiety. just the overall way her social awkwardness was WRITTEN abou#really bothered me. idk man I'm a neurotic freak as well but I try to be NICE about it. and I have the correct zoo opinions. so.
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I'm just always a bitch to everyone apparently and I'm told to go upstairs... certain people wonder why I stay in my room all the time
#el speaks#delete later#this is about my mother lol#I just can't be exhausted#she needs to learn that I just sound like a bitch all the time seriously I just talk like this (especially tired)#god I'm sorry I'm not always happy and feel comfortable talking to you or your boyfriend#he can't even talk to me face to face he always runs and hides behind you#“I asked her something and she was grumpy :(” like omg dude seriously? did I hurt your fucking feelings? oh gee I'm so fucking sorry#“things never go my way” -my mother#oh yeah? how do you think I feel? oh you don't#I try to care about you all the time but you never give me the same treatment#god you have no idea how much I wanna speak my mind fully#I try to fucking spend time with you even in small ways like going grocery shopping but that was still impossible#I can never get a word in about anything you're a broken record#“my job sucks and my boyfriend won't be here for my birthday :(”#sorry but shit happens sorry my presence isn't enough#I really do try... but man#also I think I got triggered or something? dogs get to me man#maybe I am just a bitch and if so? all well#wonder why
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dude my mom doesn't even let me identify as a pacifist without debating me on it how tf am I supposed to come out as queer lol
#i'm posting this on here because this is where I have the least amount of irls following me LOL#and the irls I have on here are the sweetest sjdjjdjd 💕💕#but I need to vent like what do you MEAN I SHOULDN'T SAY I'M A PACIFIST BECAUSE “WHAT IF YOU HAD NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO HOLD A WEAPON”#LIKE#I feel like this goes under the same argument as “would you still refuse to eat if you were a vegan#and you've been STARVING for a month and the ONLY THING TO EAT WAS A STEAK??? WOULD YOU EAT IT THEN???“#like istg mother#if I somehow was in a life-or-death position where my only way of self defense or way to defend my loved ones#was to use a gun then I think I'd abandon a lot of the other morals and standards I have set for myself already eye-#AS LONG AS I HAVE THE CHOICE#I WOULD NEVER HOLD A REAL GUN OR FIREARM ???#I think wars and weapons and militairy are stupid af and think world leaders who use that sht are cowards and should learn how to use WORDS#which I KNOW is highly ironic considering what company I work for and don't think I don't cringe and feel bad every single time I remember#and I KNOW Sweden is one of the countries that produce the most weaponry etc in the world and I HATE IT#but alas#i do need a job#and I also can barely afford an apartment of my own much less move to another fkn COUNTRY#BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN “NAH I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A PACIFIST?” 😭😭😭 BRO I NEARLY CRY JUST THINKING ABOUT MANDATORY MILITARY SERVICE#AND I NEVER EVEN HAD TO TRY OUT BCS I HAD THE OPTION TO JUST SAY “no thanks” ?!?!?!?#WHAT DO YOU MEAN
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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#it’s weird because i always know before it’s even said#but it still hurts each time?#wild#hitting on some real tender spots that i thought i left behind years ago#it’s not. like. punch to the gut whole world seems wrong level.#it’s more like a short sharp stab in my heart the size of a pencil#but it’s still definitely not fun#especially with everything else going on#just. overwhelmingly bad timing for me personally which is wildly selfish#but i think i’m allowed to feel that way so long as i don’t let if affect the way i act#still very much trying not to pull away#and that’s kind of really fucking hard#because it’s so much easier to make the decision myself#but i’ve learned from my mistakes and i don’t plan on hurting anyone like that again if i can help it#i just. i’m tired. i’m tired of putting on a brave face for everyone and still not doing a great job at it.#my friend today said ‘you’re allowed to be grumpy’ before we hung out and that felt really good#and i found that i didn’t even have to put on a brave face around her or pretend to not be grumpy#i just wasn’t grumpy anymore#so that was definitely nice#there are good things in my life!#and i know this#it’s just hard when so much is changing at the same time and it definitely doesn’t feel#like it’s for the better#but: i have my friends and i’m going back to school#(both of which are actually also causes of stress rn but ALSO sources of joy and excitement)#anyway glad i can talk here#kinda want to cut my chest open and bleed out the painful bits#but talking is a decent alternative#personal
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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Ugh, I really want to finish editing this chapter so I can keep my posting streak going (9 weeks straight!), but my head is so full of work-related information that I am literally buzzing; vibrating at high speed.
Here's hoping that going to bed will help the storage space in my brain and I can work on it tomorrow T_T
#love my new job so far#like. wayyyy more than i've liked any other job i've had.#seems like a great position and a good place to work#however. a coworker is leaving and her position is not one that can be left empty#so in the interim until we find someone to hire... i'll be filling in XD#not what anyone was expecting lmao least of all me#i don't mind especially since they were very clear that i'd be compensated for it#BUT it does mean learning at least two entirely new software programs and about a dozen databases and processes#and that's just the tip of the iceberg; not even mentioning the paperwork side of things#... in two weeks XDD#i have no background/experience in anything remotely related to this position. so it's all brand new info.#at the same time i'm also learning the ropes of my own position#which is far more familiar stuff but still. every workplace does things differently so i still need to figure out the specifics for here#brain is. ON FIRE.#withoutwords
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it feels a little silly to be so happy about something that, currently, just amounts to some free dance classes but I really, genuinely am just so joyful about getting this traineeship
#like#tbh it turns out i don't actually care that much about getting paid#when i a) have a solid full time job#and b) now can save like $54-60/week#(and also am being paid double that by the same org to teach?)#and most importantly get to dance and grow#idk i think i have had so many times in my life#where i've either seen the limit of dance in my life or hit it#from doctors telling me i couldn't dance anymore to the y'know#general crushing weight of Growing Up and Getting a Real Job#and now i'm not like. a Full Time Contracted Company Dancer the way i dreamed#but i'm part of the company and get to keep growing and learning and dancing#AND i get to have all the rest of my multifaceted life along with it#like shit dude#there was never a point in my life where i thought i could have all of this#a job that (while sometimes frustrating and stressful) lets me work on cool things that matter to me#and pays enough i can do all the things i love#and dancing ~professionally with people i rlly like and respect#and the art! and the music!#and the friends! and life in a city i've loved since i was 10 years old#i am feeling very grateful and joyful and also a little bit overwhelmed#personal
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dokja doing his best time and time again to help junghyeok with regressor depression…. I see the sauce being cooked here
#it’s gay sauce#for gay people.#going post#Orv#tbh dokja I think you should just tell junghyeok everything at this point. not for gay reasons but to make things easier#these two work rlly well together when junghyeok isn’t trying to kill dokja imagine how they’d be if they were fully on the same page too#every day there’s a new fuckin dokkaebi. where do they keep getting these guys#and why do they keep getting cuntier#A THANOS SNAP???#choosing between a thanos snap and killing the strongest incarnation. alright everyone time to speed up on the killing nirvana thing I gues#Junghyeok relying on the predictability of knowing everything…. You can take the man out of the timeloop but you can’t take the timeloop ou#of the man#(I know he’s not out of his regressions but sh)#‘I can’t think of a way to correct this’ junghyeok aren’t you supposed to be smart? Stop being stupid#dokja gets me. that’s why he’s also a reader#Ohhh okay we’re having a Big Talk now. good job dokja#‘But the real problem is when you’ve finally managed to save the world’ THATS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! DOKJA GETS ME#YOU CAN TAKE THE MAN OUT OF THE TIMELOOP BUT YOU CANT TAKE THE TIMELOOP OUT OF THE MAN!#unless junghyeok kicks his regressor’s depression in the ass and learns not to rely on knowing future scenarios so much.#and they’re on a rooftop…. The symsbsnolismm….#Oh wait dokja’s making a different point#ah. ptsd.#well that’s part of my argument I guess#Ohhhhh I love dokja getting to be a prophet rn. and junghyeok realizing he’s onto some shit#‘This world you’re about to abandon could be the only world where you can live to see it end as a human being’ OOOOF. OOF.#that’s heavy#Anyway time for comic relief. sorry Uriel but no gay sex yet#‘Who’s the strongest incarnation?’ Junghyeok: no doubt it’s me#……………………………….#DOKJA IS ALSO CONSIDERING HIMSELF THE STRONGEST?? GUYS
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